Hey readers! Thanks for giving a damn what I have to say! Your attention will now be directed to the new and even more WTC???? destination, Alice Wetterlund Dot Com. Please update your links! This blog will be reserved for extremely secret thoughts. So don't go here unless you want to know exactly what I think about you and your band.
It's that time again, time to post a list of amazing shit I want you to get me for my birthday (may 16th, duh). How old will I be? Cheeky!
Pretty much anything you can find at this store will do. A couple weeks ago my aunt called me to ask if I knew whether the meaning of "Meow!" had changed from something you say when someone is being a total blarch. Cuz someone sent it in an email to a male co-worker. Oh, email.
If you wanna show me some love, but not contribute to my growing need for a storage space, come to my next stand-up show at Broadway Comedy Club. It should be key.
At the moment it looks like I'll need some fly paper. There are flies the size of kidney beans making slow figure eights around my "office." Or do they work here?
Other ideas: Surf Lessons, Shark Diving (cage or no cage), a raincoat. Anything waterproof, really, because I just want to be dry and apparently this weather's gonna be around for a while. I know because the weather guy was like "You might as well kill yourself." That's going a little far, weather guy. A little far.
Featuring the esteemed Sean Patton, Tell and Show starts with a bang this Sunday at the Creek. There are tacos and beer and margaritas and me and the rest of Garamond improvising to the sound of your intermittent shifting in chairs, coughing, and hopefully, laughter.
Just kidding we are hilarious and amazing. Come see. 8-9pm, free. Click the creek link for directions.
I know it's early, but I would like to start planning for my next birthday party. It's in May, so I want it to be outdoors. Also I think instead of shorts and t-shirts we could all dress up a little bit, just pantsuits from chico's and maybe like a creme de menthe blazer on one of the guys? What else...Oh, let's everybody wear name tags on their sleeves. And we could have tents or awnings in case there's weather. Everyone gets a plus one, so feel free to bring whoever.
Lotsa projects, lotsa stuff going on. I'm trying to update Emily's wordpress so I can install her fancy new theme (I can't show it to you, but I've titled it "Kawaii" theme to give you a vague idea). But also very exciting is that my improv team, Garamond, is performing a bunch and you can actually come and witness this. Thursday is our first show, it's at Broadway Comedy Club: Broadway Comedy Club broadwaycomedyclub.com 318 West 53rd Street New York, NY 10019
7pm, $5. Come throw us a suggestion, if it's good and I recognize your voice I will respect you.
If you can't go to that, you can come watch me do a Harold with my 301 Class on Saturday at noon at the UCB Theatre, 307 W. 26th StreetNew York, NY 10001.
My Ex BF was insane about idling. Even if I was just going to run something into the video store or get a bra fitting, he wanted to turn the car off. I was like jeez, man, you're harshing my mellow. But he was totally right about idling. It's bad for your car, bad for the environment and local air quality, and disrupts traffic. Also it's annoying to everyone besides the person doing it just cuz it is. That's why it's illegal in NYC (new legislation makes the laws even tougher near city schools).
I have had a LOT of coffee. One of the side effects of being really caffeinated is that I start to resemble the pictured prancing owl above. Idling is my new crusade! Here is what I do to report offenders: I call 311 with the Time, Date, and License # and type of the offending vehicle. Sometimes I elect to tell them they are being reported. Boy, do they like that courtesy!
But just turn off your car, you know? It's not like it's a model T that is going to take 3 people and a lot of hullabaloo to start it back up again. So give a hoot, don't pollute.
Emily re: Sinead at a concert post pope tearing on SNL "Can you imagine the giant iron-clad balls it would take to stand there and scream at the top of your lungs as that many people boo and jeer?" Perhaps they are akin to the balls it takes to say, on a widely read blog that a country is bullshit for the way it treats its female citizens. A whole country! And I agree, it is bullshit. I like to imagine Morocco reading Emilymag and being like "Huh...a better sewage system...so crazy it just might work!" In fact this is really gonna be nothing more than a response to Emily's post cuz I just had so many things to write I thought it would be an obnoxious comment. Is there a special internet word for a post that is a scattered, lengthy response to some other blog post?
When I was in 5th grade "I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got" was the first album I ever owned, on tape. I wonder if my mom bought it for me after the whole SNL debacle. I think she did, because she's a firestarter like that.
Mind google is similar to an improv warm-up game we used alot in my last class called Musical Hot-Spot or just Hot Spot. In it, a person jumps in to the middle of a circle of players and sings a few bars of a song, and someone tags them out as soon as possible with a song that relates in some way, thematically or verbally to the one being sung. They replace the person in the middle and sing their song, and so on. This game can be excruciating to new improvisers or really anyone with any sense of dignity. I always felt like it was incredibly pointless, because to me it never seemed like you were flexing a part of your brain that was useful, just the part that remembers lots of song lyrics. Also, I could never seem to get my mind to stop trying to sing along with the song being sung and to start "mind googling" other songs that might relate. You always end up thinking of other songs by that artist or from that genre, and that's not the point. Eventually, with practice, I learned that the game is more about forcing yourself to trust your subconscious by just tagging in whenever you feel a subliminal impulse to do so (even if it feels wrong and counter intuitive at first). You end up coming up with really odd songs that do relate in ways that you didn't imagine you could. Most of the time. I've gotten to the point with my training where I have to figure out how to relax my brain and allow it to come up with query results without the query. Like last night, I was in a scene where I needed to think of slang words, any current slang would have worked. I probably know thousands of colloquialisms, we all do, but when I was on stage I could barely remember one of them, because I was on the spot and I was hammering on the mind google.
Also, there is nothing that bad about watching Everybody Loves Raymond. I was telling Shawn that his impression of Telly from kids sounds a lot like Ray Romano, and to prove it I always make him say "Whaaaat?" in the Telly voice. Well last night we turned on the TV and ELR was on and the first line of dialogue was Ray saying "Whaaaat?" Classic.
This response to a hysterical woman who is overwhelmed by "shock, hurt, and anger [sic]" in NYT's Social Q's is aptly admonishing. But why must the person who has a problem with the ex always be the freak? In a social climate of changing definitions of "relationship," being cool with a significant other's ex hanging around can be perilous. Suspicion and jealousy are never fun, no one wants to look overly posessive or paranoid, but sometimes those feelings are there for a reason. It's called instinct. Also, read on for an exemplary use of the term "nether beard" in a sentence.
The first time I saw this in real life was on Drew Barrymore in 1999. I was working in a SoHo clothing store and she came in with a backpack on and a 35 mm film camera dangling around her neck. The clothes I sold her she stuffed unceremoniously into her jansport. "What a jocular, breezy individual!" I thought. That's not what I think nowadays when I see a skulking faux-artiste meandering down North 5th street with a slouchy bag, slouchy hairdo and the most annoying accessory of 2008: Retro-looking cameras worn on their straps. I think, "You are a hapless cliché."
If you want to have your camera at the ready, but would also like to evade my scorn, try putting the lens cap on. Sorry! I'm a stickler.
"This isn't the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It's about making life more fair for women everywhere."
-Gloria Steinem. Read the whole article in the LA Times while listening to 9 to 5 and anything by Heart, who told the McCain people to stop using Barracuda for Palin's theme song.
"Your welcome. Us Newsies fans have to help each other when we forget Newsies stuff."
Above quote is that of a commenter on the youtube page for a fan-created montage from the 1991 Film "Newsies." And here is the 1st part of Blood Drips on Newsies Square, a 30 minute horror movie made by Newsies actors on set. I can't tell if its funny or what, I'm too distracted by the 90's haircuts.
I used to have this friend who, on a day when she was wearing a bit too much makeup, called herself out by declaring that she looked "Like the painted whore of Babylon." I appreciate this phrase for it's dramatic quality, fitting to it's subject. The hues in springs fluorescent shades excited a b**** so much that there was tendency to pile it on. Needless to say, it's the wrong look for the beach. Of my grandparent's cottage on the lake. In New Hampshire. My protest of summer never ending will nevertheless take the form of wearing rainbow makeup well into September. If you want to follow my lead without looking like Roy G. Biv himself, read this helpful little piece by my favorite beauty columnist, Bethan Cole (A.K.A. The Sybarite).
Also do it thrift with Ben Nye Stage Makeup (available at Ricky's or here), instead of dropping $40 on some NARS palettes you are realistically only going to use a few times. Per week. On that note, I highly recommend you download the Ben Nye PDF catalog for helpful tips on how to do great fake tattoos, make yourself look like an old-timey southern belle from Hello Dolly, and other incredible feats of illusion (harlequin body paint, anyone?). Think of it as your starter kit for becoming Amy Sedaris. I did. I leave you with this:
Last night I had a dream that I was walking in Marc Jacob's Spring 2009 show (this is the second dream I've had where I've been in one of his shows, the first dream I only got to wear one look though), and I noticed there were several stations where all the models were supposed to do their own makeup for the basic stuff like base and mascara. It was like an assembly line, the first was remover and some sort of anti-wrinkle serum. I noticed the brand on the bottle said "Mugabe." Marc was there and he was arguing with someone, yelling at this man that his people were a colony. I then realized that the man he was arguing with was Robert Mugabe, the President of Zimbabwe. I thought "Jeez, why is he here?" But then I remembered the brand on the bottle of serum. "Oh, he must be a sponser." The serum worked really well.
I think they're Louboutins? I am obsessed with glitter graphics right now. It is like staring into the apocalypse. Some of the faves: I just like that mystery creature next to the vase...is that even a vase? WARNING!! PIRITI AIIVSIIY
It’s not an old-fashioned chocolate sparkle donut unless you can really see that thing glimmer.
If appletinis are happening on a Tuesday, then what happens on Friday?
I guess this:
and... ...if you can read that, you're not drunk enough. Zing! Above artwork provided by graphics grotto.
In the lexicon of shimmer, there is a division between good shimmer and bad shimmer. Most shimmer ends up being bad shimmer or "mistake shimmer." It gets all over your hands and makes you look sweaty (on one end of the specturm) or like a sparkly member of a junior dance team. Products that disperse a perfect amount of light-reflecting particles give you that otherworldly j' ne se quois, making you look brighter, less tired and like you care the perfect amount about how you look. They exist, these products, but they're rare.
In summertime, you can get away with full-body shimmer if you're so inclined. I encourage you to try many of the widely available bronzing products. But if you are pale, like me, or if it's winter, you want to go easy. I found a product that is really expensive and seems to do nothin' much at first (sign me UP!). It's just a translucent goo that you spread all over your visage. But then it catches the light, delivers the subtlest most perfect amount of complexion smoothing, and makes you be in love with your face. YSL Tient Parfait (pic above). Also awesome: it comes in multicultural shades.
Update! My boss was so in love with this product that she splooged out a nickel sized glob onto her hand. I was like, yeah...ha ha...it's awesome..
Pretty much anything you can find at this store will do. A couple weeks ago my aunt called me to ask if I knew whether the meaning of "Meow!" had changed from something you say when someone is being a total blarch. Cuz someone sent it in an email to a male co-worker. Oh, email.
Featuring the esteemed Sean Patton, Tell and Show starts with a bang this Sunday at the Creek. There are tacos and beer and margaritas and me and the rest of Garamond improvising to the sound of your intermittent shifting in chairs, coughing, and hopefully, laughter.
My Ex BF was insane about idling. Even if I was just going to run something into the video store or get a bra fitting, he wanted to turn the car off. I was like jeez, man, you're harshing my mellow. But he was totally right about idling. It's bad for your car, bad for the environment and local air quality, and disrupts traffic. Also it's annoying to everyone besides the person doing it just cuz it is. That's why it's illegal in NYC (new legislation makes the laws even tougher near city schools).
