This is Why Stevie's Rouge Was Asymmetrical That Day

I know its on a million blogs already but I just love it so much.

The Painted Whore of Babylon

I used to have this friend who, on a day when she was wearing a bit too much makeup, called herself out by declaring that she looked "Like the painted whore of Babylon." I appreciate this phrase for it's dramatic quality, fitting to it's subject. The hues in springs fluorescent shades excited a b**** so much that there was tendency to pile it on. Needless to say, it's the wrong look for the beach. Of my grandparent's cottage on the lake. In New Hampshire. My protest of summer never ending will nevertheless take the form of wearing rainbow makeup well into September. If you want to follow my lead without looking like Roy G. Biv himself, read this helpful little piece by my favorite beauty columnist, Bethan Cole (A.K.A. The Sybarite).

Also do it thrift with Ben Nye Stage Makeup (available at Ricky's or here), instead of dropping $40 on some NARS palettes you are realistically only going to use a few times. Per week. On that note, I highly recommend you download the Ben Nye PDF catalog for helpful tips on how to do great fake tattoos, make yourself look like an old-timey southern belle from Hello Dolly, and other incredible feats of illusion (harlequin body paint, anyone?). Think of it as your starter kit for becoming Amy Sedaris. I did. I leave you with this:

Mugabe Serum

Last night I had a dream that I was walking in Marc Jacob's Spring 2009 show (this is the second dream I've had where I've been in one of his shows, the first dream I only got to wear one look though), and I noticed there were several stations where all the models were supposed to do their own makeup for the basic stuff like base and mascara. It was like an assembly line, the first was remover and some sort of anti-wrinkle serum. I noticed the brand on the bottle said "Mugabe." Marc was there and he was arguing with someone, yelling at this man that his people were a colony. I then realized that the man he was arguing with was Robert Mugabe, the President of Zimbabwe. I thought "Jeez, why is he here?" But then I remembered the brand on the bottle of serum. "Oh, he must be a sponser." The serum worked really well.

It's Red

You: Is this orange?

Me: It's red.

You (taking off your deep red sunglasses and holding them against the fabric): No, it's not red. These [sunglasses] are red, so it can't be red.

Me (way too sweetly): Oh! Well it's red! The product came in listed as red and also I'm looking at it now and, yep, it's red!

Does Anybody Know Where I Can Get a Pair of These Fabulous Shoes?

I think they're Louboutins?

I am obsessed with glitter graphics right now. It is like staring into the apocalypse. Some of the faves:

I just like that mystery creature next to the vase...is that even a vase?
WARNING!! PIRITI AIIVSIIY



It’s not an old-fashioned chocolate sparkle donut unless you can really see that thing glimmer.



If appletinis are happening on a Tuesday, then what happens on Friday?


I guess this:


and...

...if you can read that, you're not drunk enough. Zing! Above artwork provided by graphics grotto.

Count the Times I Can Say Shimmer

In the lexicon of shimmer, there is a division between good shimmer and bad shimmer. Most shimmer ends up being bad shimmer or "mistake shimmer." It gets all over your hands and makes you look sweaty (on one end of the specturm) or like a sparkly member of a junior dance team. Products that disperse a perfect amount of light-reflecting particles give you that otherworldly j' ne se quois, making you look brighter, less tired and like you care the perfect amount about how you look. They exist, these products, but they're rare.

In summertime, you can get away with full-body shimmer if you're so inclined. I encourage you to try many of the widely available bronzing products. But if you are pale, like me, or if it's winter, you want to go easy. I found a product that is really expensive and seems to do nothin' much at first (sign me UP!). It's just a translucent goo that you spread all over your visage. But then it catches the light, delivers the subtlest most perfect amount of complexion smoothing, and makes you be in love with your face. YSL Tient Parfait (pic above). Also awesome: it comes in multicultural shades.

Update! My boss was so in love with this product that she splooged out a nickel sized glob onto her hand. I was like, yeah...ha ha...it's awesome..

Retail Talk.

(Note: This blog is now also about working in a store. Thanks!)

My new thing is chasing you around the store when it's 10 minutes till close. I follow you and re-fold everything you are folding and re-hang everything you carelessly throw back on the rack. I keep a distance of about six feet between us, and the more annoying you are (like if you are on a cell phone, or if you mention casually that you "know the guys at Rag & Bone," the less distance I put between us.

Sound obnoxious? Well, also, in my mind, I'm pretending I'm a really bad private eye that's been hired to spy on you.

My Insolence

My Insolence? Really? Who thinks of Hillary Swank as Insolent? Tough, maybe headstrong, but not cheeky. Maybe she's trying to market herself as insolent, because it's the new classy. Anyway it smells like if you mixed together the entire Macy's perfume dept.