I mean, do you think those gals on “The View” actually like each other?

This response to a hysterical woman who is overwhelmed by "shock, hurt, and anger [sic]" in NYT's Social Q's is aptly admonishing. But why must the person who has a problem with the ex always be the freak? In a social climate of changing definitions of "relationship," being cool with a significant other's ex hanging around can be perilous. Suspicion and jealousy are never fun, no one wants to look overly posessive or paranoid, but sometimes those feelings are there for a reason. It's called instinct. Also, read on for an exemplary use of the term "nether beard" in a sentence.


Annoying Trend

The first time I saw this in real life was on Drew Barrymore in 1999. I was working in a SoHo clothing store and she came in with a backpack on and a 35 mm film camera dangling around her neck. The clothes I sold her she stuffed unceremoniously into her jansport. "What a jocular, breezy individual!" I thought. That's not what I think nowadays when I see a skulking faux-artiste meandering down North 5th street with a slouchy bag, slouchy hairdo and the most annoying accessory of 2008: Retro-looking cameras worn on their straps. I think, "You are a hapless cliché."

If you want to have your camera at the ready, but would also like to evade my scorn, try putting the lens cap on. Sorry! I'm a stickler.


Somebody stole my shoes, so I'll amputate my legs.

"This isn't the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It's about making life more fair for women everywhere."

-Gloria Steinem. Read the whole article in the LA Times while listening to 9 to 5 and anything by Heart, who told the McCain people to stop using Barracuda for Palin's theme song.


Photoshop Snaps

Your mama's so fat, I tried to load a picture of her in save for web and it said I had insufficient memory!

Your face is so bumpy it looks like you were interpolated with nearest-neighbor as opposed to bicubic or bilinear interpolation!

You're so ruddy, I couldn't see your image clearly enough in quickmask mode to
make a selection!


Your Welcome.

"Your welcome. Us Newsies fans have to help each other when we forget Newsies stuff."

Above quote is that of a commenter on the youtube page for a fan-created montage from the 1991 Film "Newsies." And here is the 1st part of Blood Drips on Newsies Square, a 30 minute horror movie made by Newsies actors on set. I can't tell if its funny or what, I'm too distracted by the 90's haircuts.


This is Why Stevie's Rouge Was Asymmetrical That Day

I know its on a million blogs already but I just love it so much.

The Painted Whore of Babylon

I used to have this friend who, on a day when she was wearing a bit too much makeup, called herself out by declaring that she looked "Like the painted whore of Babylon." I appreciate this phrase for it's dramatic quality, fitting to it's subject. The hues in springs fluorescent shades excited a b**** so much that there was tendency to pile it on. Needless to say, it's the wrong look for the beach. Of my grandparent's cottage on the lake. In New Hampshire. My protest of summer never ending will nevertheless take the form of wearing rainbow makeup well into September. If you want to follow my lead without looking like Roy G. Biv himself, read this helpful little piece by my favorite beauty columnist, Bethan Cole (A.K.A. The Sybarite).

Also do it thrift with Ben Nye Stage Makeup (available at Ricky's or here), instead of dropping $40 on some NARS palettes you are realistically only going to use a few times. Per week. On that note, I highly recommend you download the Ben Nye PDF catalog for helpful tips on how to do great fake tattoos, make yourself look like an old-timey southern belle from Hello Dolly, and other incredible feats of illusion (harlequin body paint, anyone?). Think of it as your starter kit for becoming Amy Sedaris. I did. I leave you with this:


Mugabe Serum

Last night I had a dream that I was walking in Marc Jacob's Spring 2009 show (this is the second dream I've had where I've been in one of his shows, the first dream I only got to wear one look though), and I noticed there were several stations where all the models were supposed to do their own makeup for the basic stuff like base and mascara. It was like an assembly line, the first was remover and some sort of anti-wrinkle serum. I noticed the brand on the bottle said "Mugabe." Marc was there and he was arguing with someone, yelling at this man that his people were a colony. I then realized that the man he was arguing with was Robert Mugabe, the President of Zimbabwe. I thought "Jeez, why is he here?" But then I remembered the brand on the bottle of serum. "Oh, he must be a sponser." The serum worked really well.


It's Red

You: Is this orange?

Me: It's red.

You (taking off your deep red sunglasses and holding them against the fabric): No, it's not red. These [sunglasses] are red, so it can't be red.

Me (way too sweetly): Oh! Well it's red! The product came in listed as red and also I'm looking at it now and, yep, it's red!

Does Anybody Know Where I Can Get a Pair of These Fabulous Shoes?

I think they're Louboutins?
I am obsessed with glitter graphics right now. It is like staring into the apocalypse. Some of the faves:
I just like that mystery creature next to the vase...is that even a vase?

It’s not an old-fashioned chocolate sparkle donut unless you can really see that thing glimmer.

If appletinis are happening on a Tuesday, then what happens on Friday?

I guess this:


...if you can read that, you're not drunk enough. Zing! Above artwork provided by graphics grotto.


Count the Times I Can Say Shimmer

In the lexicon of shimmer, there is a division between good shimmer and bad shimmer. Most shimmer ends up being bad shimmer or "mistake shimmer." It gets all over your hands and makes you look sweaty (on one end of the specturm) or like a sparkly member of a junior dance team. Products that disperse a perfect amount of light-reflecting particles give you that otherworldly j' ne se quois, making you look brighter, less tired and like you care the perfect amount about how you look. They exist, these products, but they're rare.

In summertime, you can get away with full-body shimmer if you're so inclined. I encourage you to try many of the widely available bronzing products. But if you are pale, like me, or if it's winter, you want to go easy. I found a product that is really expensive and seems to do nothin' much at first (sign me UP!). It's just a translucent goo that you spread all over your visage. But then it catches the light, delivers the subtlest most perfect amount of complexion smoothing, and makes you be in love with your face. YSL Tient Parfait (pic above). Also awesome: it comes in multicultural shades.

Update! My boss was so in love with this product that she splooged out a nickel sized glob onto her hand. I was like, yeah...ha ha...it's awesome..


Retail Talk.

(Note: This blog is now also about working in a store. Thanks!)

My new thing is chasing you around the store when it's 10 minutes till close. I follow you and re-fold everything you are folding and re-hang everything you carelessly throw back on the rack. I keep a distance of about six feet between us, and the more annoying you are (like if you are on a cell phone, or if you mention casually that you "know the guys at Rag & Bone," the less distance I put between us.

Sound obnoxious? Well, also, in my mind, I'm pretending I'm a really bad private eye that's been hired to spy on you.


My Insolence

My Insolence? Really? Who thinks of Hillary Swank as Insolent? Tough, maybe headstrong, but not cheeky. Maybe she's trying to market herself as insolent, because it's the new classy. Anyway it smells like if you mixed together the entire Macy's perfume dept.


Oh, I think the diet industry is a little out of hand...

Because it's wormed it's way into lip gloss. For Chrissakes, people. This shit is out of control. Lip gloss that's labeled "guilt-free" explicitly implies that other lip gloss should make you feel guilty. Like, "Oh, Ive been good today, I think I'll indulge in some non-diet lipcolor. Whee! Ill just have to spend a couple extra minutes on the eliptical." This product is going into a new category here on Cheekbeauty: Offensive Products. What would lil' mama say?


Rainbow Right at Alexander Herchcovitch!!!!!

This year Herchcovitch brilliantly accessorized his elegant all-black ensembles that opened the show with monochromatic neon eye makeup, colors that were echoed in the color block pieces* he showed later on. As Cheek's own wardrobe has darkened immensely in the past year, methinks of no better way to wear the new bright makeup.

*Note: "Peices" is what you call items of clothing that are more expensive than handguns.


Yellow Eyeshadow, Part Deux

Is saying "I totally called that, man!" akin to saying "I told you so!" except more obnoxious? Because I saw three designers so far this fashion week who have hopped on the yellow eyeshadow wagon. From left: Ben Cho (who is amazing purely because he booked fave band Growing to play his show), the eco-conscious Behnaz Sarafpour, and Derek Lam. It's all so, so last August! No? Well, okay, I guess Derek Lam is probably too busy to read my blog, but still. I'm on the ball. So NEXT fall is gonna be all about um. RED eyeshadow! And the return of glitter! You heard it here.


OMG! Trailer for Baby-Mama

Cheekbeauty ♥'s Tina Fey, and Tina ♥'s Amy, and hooray for vehicles for women in comedy! Hopefully they're coming back to stay. Remember the days of Carol Burnett and Goldie Hawn? Good times. Also Tina's actual baby's name is Alice. Which is the most wonderful name ever, besides Aeronny and Jinty and Siense and Madyson-Caite. Enjoy.



I finally submitted most of my applications for graduate school, yay, but it gave me weird chest pains for a while due to the negative serendipitous turn of events involving Art Basel, Greenpoint's absurd ability to eat phone and internet connectivity, and the IRS. There is no face cream for this shit, not even gold extract & royal jelly infused cream. I tried it, and even thought it was a little pricey at $420 a jar, I ended up throwing it at a homeless kitten that was annoying me.

OMG just kidding. I would never. I let the kitten play with it, and it got even more young and homeless as a result. Now we are together. What?

Also here is a really long review from Marie Claire of some eco-beauty products, highlights of which are: Tom's of Maine Lemongrass deoderant works, even for the very pregnant, which is very good news since Lush has just discontinued my favorite flavor of their amazing deodorant. Also, Parabens will mess with you.